As Times Go By

A third of the year is gone and so much has happened, it's hard to believe it's only been four months.  New continent. New job. New scooter. New people. New pain. Tonight my heart is heavy and fearful, anxious and confused. Sad. I'm tired of being brave, of being strong. Because after so long, I'm weak and tired and need time to recuperate.  Tonight I let it out. I cried like I haven't cried in ages.  I wept. I prayed. I cried out. I yelled and swore and cried some more. Until I just sat there, crying and telling Him how much it hurts to be rejected. How much it hurts to be vulnerable, exposing who you really are only to find it isn't acceptable. And what is that, if not my biggest fear? I don't think I've ever had my heart broken like this before.  It hurts. And it doesn't feel like it's going to be okay. I know it will. Mind over matter. Something like this makes a girl wonder though - - - can it really happen again? I'm not so

There's always that moment for me before Lent where I evaluate the areas I wrestle through in my life that could use more discipline. Like many people my age (at least I don't think I'm on my own in this), I watch way too many movies, drink too much coffee, spend too much time on my phone, eat food that's bad for me etc. But the biggest vice I could see was how often I let other people make choices for me.  Not that I let them orchestrate my every move, but I've realized how often I go to people for advice/affirmation/choices.  I'd say it's part laziness, part uncertainty, a dollop of an overwhelming amount of choices and a dash of fear of failing. The day before Lent started, I remember wearing one of my favorite scarves that had a loose string.  I pulled said string and it came off.  I just started wrapping it around my ring finger until it stuck, and I left it there until today as a reminder to not let people choose for me. It sounds so silly, doesn&