I'm not a smart man...and I don't know what love is.

One thing I've never been lacking in is emotion.

Lord knows I have enough to bestow onto an entire country and their next generations, and it ranges as far north as from south.  

So any situation that arises, by brain explodes and quickly comes back together to create some of the most ridiculous scenarios it will ever hear.

I was about to make a list of just today's crazy rationals, but as I began to I realized that they all have something in common. 1. They are all about me.  2. They are all about my relationship status.

Is that what I've become? Someone whose entire world is defined by who they're with?

I so badly want to say no.

That's all my mind has been focused on.  I can hardly figure out who I am or what I like because my mind is so engulfed in being alone.  Which only recently started scaring me.

So let's figure this one out.  Why am I so eager to be in a relationship? Because I don't want to be the crazy cat lady that dies alone.  Okay. Valid.  But based on my lifestyle, it what ways am I showing that I am actually willing to open up my life to another human being and become vulnerable?  I'm terrible with vulnerability in the first place. And how does one go about getting to know someone without being completely embarrassed about opening up?  And what about occupation? I want to get out of York SO freaking badly, yet I have no idea where to go or what to do or how to do it, so where do I start?

Remember that emotion thing I had just said I have a problem with? Yeah, well the other half of my brain just swore itself out for being so obtuse.  

How can I allow my mind to run so wild and rampage if I say I believe in the God of the Universe.
A God who created the heavens and the earth.
A God who created daisies.
A God who made crisp, fall breeze.
A God who grows cilantro.
A God who formed the sensation from a big hug.
A God who gives laughter a cackling sound.
A God who lets me drink coffee for free all day.
A God who created creative people.
A God who puts beauty in Lucianno Pavarotti's bellows.
A God who actively loves after me when I forcefully push away.

And like that my mind is stilled. Not because I'm no longer scared. 
But because I know Who He is.
And He is good.
And He is mine.


“Safe?” said Mr. Beaver; “don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? 
Who said anything about safe? 
‘Course he isn’t safe. 
But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”  ~The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe

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