20 Pointed 3D Stars and Burnt Toast
Anyone who has talked with me in the last year or so has probably sat and listened to one of my detailed (and sometimes lengthy) dreams. Many mornings I wake knowing every detail immediately and am able to scribble them down. Occasionally it takes a day or two for the dream to come together but is eventually clearly remembered by a remark someone makes or a conversation that's had.
Well, this week has been like most in that I wake up with Ingrid batting me in the face and my first waking thought is "What are they putting in that Colorado water?"
Tuesday morning I woke up differently than most times. I was just sad. Like Holly Golightly's "Mean Reds" - where you're sad but what's worse is you don't know what you're sad about. I had a case of the Mean Reds and I had not idea why. It took some time throughout the day to figure it out but then in my personnel meting at work my entire dream came flooding back.
And here it is:
A dear friend of mine from back East, Joy, was the lead character in this particular dream.
She and I were in a hospital except Joy was nowhere to be found, but we were both waiting for something. While I was waiting at the nurse's station for Joy to come back I remember she had wanted me to do something for her, so I jumped right on it. She wanted me to make multiple 3D 20-pointed stars. STAT. I was frantically trying to make these stars for her but I just couldn't do it. My talents do not extend to origami. Joy finally came back and I tried to explain how sorry I was that my brain could not handle this craft like she could. Joy was enraged. She threw my miserable attempt to the ground and said our friendship was over as she stormed out leaving me there with my crumpled star. I, being utterly upset, went somewhere I assume to be home to make some comfort food --toast, of course. But before I gained any comfort the toast popped out and showed me that it was entirely burnt to a crisp.
End of dream.
Let me shed some light on a few things:
Joy: Both a spiritual gift of mine and a real friend to me. Joy and I share a love for knitting. In fact we quickly became friends on one Thanksgiving Day when she passed her project to me to knit a few rows for her when we realized our knitting gauges were identical. This is a rarity and I've never matched with another knitter ever.....anyways, the point is, Joy and I bonded and now we're buds and knit of FaceTime.
Toast: Such a simple comfort food to me. Butter. Raspberry jam. Plain. With tea. Praises. It's always been a comfort, especially when I'm feeling ill.
So. Why did this dream affect me so much?
Because it was such a vivd dream of some of my biggest fears. Things that have happened to me in the past reflecting my fear of it happening in my present and future. A fear that if I mess up, even in the tiniest most mundane way, the person/people I love the most will say it's the final straw. That my joy will be gone. That I'll be burned.
That dream felt so real. As did the sadness. Because I've felt that sadness before. It shook me.
I texted Joy about it and we laughed it off - because in retrospect it really is quite comical.
Through laughing at it I began to see how incorrect that dream is and has been. Yes that's happened and those feelings are real, but taking a look at my relationships now... no way, Jose!
I've bragged to those who ask about people I've met out here in Colorado. All I can ever say is how grateful I am to be where I am with the community I have here and still have back on the East coast.
Like anyone else, it's really encouraging to see yourself learn from your past mistakes. Trusting the wrong people, saying too much or not enough. So that in the future you know. Hopefully wiser. Not building walls to keep people out but creating a place of trust and grace.
I've met some incredible people here who have taught me much, have shown me grace, helped me laugh, shed some tears, indulged ideas and encouraged fun. That dream showed me that my fear is still present, but my present circumstances are crushing that fear.
So thank you friends, both near and far, for reminding me that not all dreams are reality.
Just a sample of vulnerability to go with your Saturday night.
Well, this week has been like most in that I wake up with Ingrid batting me in the face and my first waking thought is "What are they putting in that Colorado water?"
Tuesday morning I woke up differently than most times. I was just sad. Like Holly Golightly's "Mean Reds" - where you're sad but what's worse is you don't know what you're sad about. I had a case of the Mean Reds and I had not idea why. It took some time throughout the day to figure it out but then in my personnel meting at work my entire dream came flooding back.
And here it is:
A dear friend of mine from back East, Joy, was the lead character in this particular dream.
She and I were in a hospital except Joy was nowhere to be found, but we were both waiting for something. While I was waiting at the nurse's station for Joy to come back I remember she had wanted me to do something for her, so I jumped right on it. She wanted me to make multiple 3D 20-pointed stars. STAT. I was frantically trying to make these stars for her but I just couldn't do it. My talents do not extend to origami. Joy finally came back and I tried to explain how sorry I was that my brain could not handle this craft like she could. Joy was enraged. She threw my miserable attempt to the ground and said our friendship was over as she stormed out leaving me there with my crumpled star. I, being utterly upset, went somewhere I assume to be home to make some comfort food --toast, of course. But before I gained any comfort the toast popped out and showed me that it was entirely burnt to a crisp.
End of dream.
Let me shed some light on a few things:
Joy: Both a spiritual gift of mine and a real friend to me. Joy and I share a love for knitting. In fact we quickly became friends on one Thanksgiving Day when she passed her project to me to knit a few rows for her when we realized our knitting gauges were identical. This is a rarity and I've never matched with another knitter ever.....anyways, the point is, Joy and I bonded and now we're buds and knit of FaceTime.
Toast: Such a simple comfort food to me. Butter. Raspberry jam. Plain. With tea. Praises. It's always been a comfort, especially when I'm feeling ill.
So. Why did this dream affect me so much?
Because it was such a vivd dream of some of my biggest fears. Things that have happened to me in the past reflecting my fear of it happening in my present and future. A fear that if I mess up, even in the tiniest most mundane way, the person/people I love the most will say it's the final straw. That my joy will be gone. That I'll be burned.
That dream felt so real. As did the sadness. Because I've felt that sadness before. It shook me.
I texted Joy about it and we laughed it off - because in retrospect it really is quite comical.
Through laughing at it I began to see how incorrect that dream is and has been. Yes that's happened and those feelings are real, but taking a look at my relationships now... no way, Jose!
I've bragged to those who ask about people I've met out here in Colorado. All I can ever say is how grateful I am to be where I am with the community I have here and still have back on the East coast.
Like anyone else, it's really encouraging to see yourself learn from your past mistakes. Trusting the wrong people, saying too much or not enough. So that in the future you know. Hopefully wiser. Not building walls to keep people out but creating a place of trust and grace.
I've met some incredible people here who have taught me much, have shown me grace, helped me laugh, shed some tears, indulged ideas and encouraged fun. That dream showed me that my fear is still present, but my present circumstances are crushing that fear.
So thank you friends, both near and far, for reminding me that not all dreams are reality.
Just a sample of vulnerability to go with your Saturday night.
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