Heavy

A third of the year is gone and so much has happened, it's hard to believe it's only been four months.  New continent. New job. New scooter. New people.
New pain.

Tonight my heart is heavy and fearful, anxious and confused. Sad.

I'm tired of being brave, of being strong. Because after so long, I'm weak and tired and need time to recuperate.  Tonight I let it out. I cried like I haven't cried in ages.  I wept. I prayed. I cried out. I yelled and swore and cried some more. Until I just sat there, crying and telling Him how much it hurts to be rejected. How much it hurts to be vulnerable, exposing who you really are only to find it isn't acceptable.
And what is that, if not my biggest fear?
I don't think I've ever had my heart broken like this before.  It hurts. And it doesn't feel like it's going to be okay. I know it will.

Mind over matter.

Something like this makes a girl wonder though - - - can it really happen again?
I'm not so sure.





I have needs, I cannot deny them
I was made to want these things
I will stay if you can supply them
If you can't, I'll trade my ring
For a father who loves me enough
To provide what he's made me to love
It's very good, you said so yourself
Then you put it so high on the shelf
But I can almost taste it

So I try to make light of things I can't deny are so heavy
Whose weight is so great that your body is crushed underneath
Yet I stand on your grave and I claim I am tall and I'm steady
But tell the truth I'm bound to fall on you